After sleeping in this morning, yes, 10:30 is sleeping in, I was playing around on YouTube, checking comments on various web sites, goofing around on facebook, singing along to Alter Bridge, when I look to my right, toward my bathroom toward and see this inch and a half long, black thing crawling along my floor toward the back of my television. Well, I freaked out, minorly, grabbed a shoe, and started whacking the floor. Well, I missed the little guy, twice, and then starting panting.
While saying, "EW! EW! EW!" with every step I took back to my computer chair, I wouldn't let my feet even touch the floor. Curled up, one foot tucking under my, another resting on the chair legs, I slipped my socks and shoes on, and went to find the sucker. Tucked up behind a mirror I keep on the floor against a porcelain doll, he was lying there, looking like a piece of caked up mud, until it moved. I intended to step on it, but it got between a cable chord and the wall where I proceeded to slam against it with a frame to a picture that came loose and now needs to be repaired before being hung back up on the wall. Hearing the crunch of hitting the thing at least twice, it lay under the cable chord and I went into the bathroom in order to retrieve toilet paper to pick it up. [Never mind I was standing next to a box of tissues that would have worked easily as well, d'oh.]
After coming back to get the cricket, which wasn't even a minute later, I used the frame to move the chord, and the damn thing was gone! I scrambled around the area to see where he would have gone. Move the mirror again, the doll, shook the doll to see if he'd gone into her dress, and then out of nowhere, he hopped back out into my room. I SCREAMED! More of a low grunt, -cough,- than a scream. I was still in kill mode, no need to get to girly over a bug. But, he'd hop, I'd stomp my foot to squish him and miss, again, miss - it was like a bad cartoon. But -finally- I got him right next to my computer chair, and this time, actually drug my foot back to make sure he was dead. I felt sick!
I didn't actually want to have to kill him, he wasn't doing anything to me, but hell, I don't know what baby crickets he could have the opportunity of fathering if I didn't get him then. I'm mean damn, how did it even get into the house!? GROSS, GROSS, GROSS! I'm going to clean out the vacuum cleaner and then vacuum every floor in the house, no more bugs stand a chance...at least the ones at ground level. YUCK!
Anyhow, I did a slew of editing yesterday while working on a paper staining mini-project I gave myself. Trying to ease my nerves and avoid thinking about what's going on right now. Mental roller coasters, procrastination to extremes, and family feuds have got me twisted in various knots that, at the moment, make me want to throw up everything I've eaten over the past week. Every thing's happening too quickly, and I think my brain might explode if my chest doesn't first. So! In order to calm myself down, I grabbed my computer mouse and ended up opening Adobe.
Not too long ago I found myself with two friends, browsing around the Barnes and Nobel bookstore before out movie was scheduled to start, I found books surrounding the topic of America's armed forces, all but the Air Force, however, which is actually what I went looking for. Nonetheless, I do know someone currently serving in the U.S. Navy
And of course, at the end of the day, when everything is said and done, and I find myself back in my room, letting things wander around this tiny head of mine, I need a way to let things go. Seeing as we're without a heavy bag [which is on my Christmas list] or any other form of physical release, I tear paper apart and find myself staining it. A trick I learned as a preschooler when my older brother and I wanted to make treasure maps. It's a pretty sweet idea, keeps my hands busy, and my mind away from anything I don't want it on currently.
I've uploaded quite a few new photos to flickr. I really want to start taking more, or just working on art in general. I know this 'zest' will probably fade, at least from this extreme, but I'm so anxious right now about school starting, it's as if I -have- to work on something. I'm also adjusting to my first pair of contact lenses, working toward getting my driver's license, and trying to find cheap prices for my textbooks for the upcoming semester. Six books for my Sociology class...SIX...even Josh is telling me that's crazy. I really hope I can keep up with everything I've got going on. My schedule is pretty light compared to what I've seen most first year students attempting to take. I'm ready for school to start, simply because I'm bored and summer's starting to lose it's flare as my tan fades and most of my friends are moving into their dorms next week. Summer's ending, but I'm more than ready for a new beginning to begin. I'm ready for changes, especially in myself. It's time I look at myself from another angle and actually put some effort into the improvements I've wanted to see in myself for so long.
Too bad I can't remember what most of the buttons on the top of the editor do, d'oh. (Side note: I've seen the Simpsons Movie and it wasn't exactly two thumbs up, as far as my opinion goes. The new Bourne movie, though, a must see and I haven't even see the first two.)
Okay, here we go, I knew I'd eventually remember. Okay, I just started clicking and got lucky, but hey, it's better than nothing. So, I've decided to make my MySpace promo page, look a little better by making a background my way. Something I'm not stranger to, but I've never actually used brushes before. After about a day of downloading, and going into a second draft, the image to my right was born. All 800x600 beautifully distressed pixels; aint she a beaut!?
I'm not going to lie to you, though, the lady in the Polaroid kind of freaks me out, and I know having a Polaroid takes away from the authenticity of an actually antique book, yet, doesn't it just look right? Oh well, I'm not going to gloat too much about this, seeing as I've seen better, and it could be better in a lot of ways, but I'm damn proud of it, and the end results looks a little like this.
-Hugs n' kisses.-
I know I’m not the only person who does this, so I won’t be accusing myself of an out-there thinking, but as I read this book, I kept hearing it in a sound of an old friend’s voice. Just because I’m not the only one who does this, doesn’t make it sound any less weird, but I’m going to ignore this fact for the time being. As I read, I couldn’t help but think back on someone I haven’t seen or talked to since the first two years of high school - which seem like decades ago versus merely only a few. I think that’s when I realized, I cannot relate to a character deeply enthralled in problems I’ve finally allowed myself to get over.
Truthfully, over the past few weeks, I’ve finally gotten to a place in my life I never thought I’d be. Just when I thought it was set-in-stone how life was going to play out for me, it changed, as it always does, but for once, it went in a direction I wanted to see it go. I’m finally, officially over things. You have no idea how good this feels. I still have a lot of living and learning to do in my time, but for once, I’m able to take those steps to get there.
This weekend is going to be entirely different for me - I’m actually going to be celebrating Father’s Day with father’s I actually have respect for, which is no surprise that my own sperm donating deadbeat of a parental example will be no where near the festivities. I will be able to spend time with my grandfather, and two uncles that actually care about their children, as well as myself. I spent yesterday with my grandparents, as my grandmother had her second dose of radiation yesterday afternoon, and they were each in need of some lively company to keep their spirits high, so I gladly took on my role of grandparent-sitter and lolled around the house, helping, hearing stories, telling a few, and laying out on the back deck to get some much needed sun which is not easily accessed when you’re living on the bottom floor of an ill-lit apartment complex.
Tomorrow is another meeting with tall, dark, and blue-eyes, but this is merely a duel meeting, not to be mistaken as a stepping stone, but moreso multi-purpose. I don’t really see “TDB” has a certain gain for myself in anyway, but why not have a certain amount of, and I use this term loosely, eye-candy while reaching an ultimate goal? Yes, I’m fully aware that made little sense, and could have possibly projected my virginal self as a misguided whore, but, I guess you’ll just have to deal with what you’re given at this point in time because I don’t feel the need to expand with details.
I've shoved my nose into another book, and quite honestly, am thinking about renaming myself Nancy Bookworm, it's not like I'll have to change my initials or anything, so hey, why not, right?
I'm reading Charming Thirds, which is actually the third book in a three-part series that I haven't started from the beginning. However, I don't see the problem in reading these backwards; so far, from what I've read, which is nearly half the book in the past two days, the author sets up the plot in stages of the main character's life. Currently, I'm reading about her "college years" which really couldn't be anymore helpful for what I'm coming into in little over two months, which has me scared to death, but for right now, I don't have to stress too much.
Okay, i don't really know how I'm updating this, I don't really know why I have it to begin with, but lately, I've been manic. Every time i read a new book, I slip back into my phase of wanting to be a writer. For the longest time I wanted to be a writer more so than a photographer, and I would write down everything. Speeches assigned for class, I'd write two, short stories weren't short, and even when it wasn't mandatory, I kept journals, on top of journals of everything. Over the past few years, however, I stopped. I stopped journaling, I stopped putting extra time into class assignments. I'd write out of pure insominatic, made that word up, wastes of time, but otherwise, I wasn't really writing for the hell of writing. Although, now that my ADD is under control, I'm sitting down and reading everything I can get my hands on. It's why I'm going to do a double major my second semester of college, both art and English, with a business minor. Get my life to be -my- life from the get go.
Speaking of insominia, I can't seem to rid myself of if, found out the hard way, I get high off sleeping pills. Last week, my neurologist mentioned I try Melatonin about twenty minutes before I fell asleep, and about five minutes after taking it, I was so dizzy, I couldn't move without needing to latch onto something for balance. After finally making it to my bedroom from the living room, which should have taken all of five seconds, I found myself getting rather comfortable in my computer chair. Goofing around on the Internet, waiting for the nighttime happiness to kick in, I go drowsy, but then started giggling, over nothing, just giggling. I could feel my pupils changing in size, shrinking; the stretching of my iris was so dominate that I wanted so badly just to see if they weren't tearing away from my retinas themselves, but my body refused to move. Instead, i found myself trying to examine my face in the back of a CD, where I saw myself doubled, the quadrupled, until I just decided to put the CD down and give up before I made myself sick. Twenty minutes later, I was wide awake, and it was four a.m. before I was anywhere close to sleep in my bed only to wake up ninety minutes later, and for what, I honestly can't remember.
Last night played much of the same role, minus the herbal medication [oxymoron] and the natural high I found myself on - I just flat out couldn't sleep. So, around two this morning, I found myself on the phone, talking away, cat next to my hip as I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. Oddly enough however, it was nearly three a.m. when I actually fell asleep, and this morning, woken up once by my mother, as I'd requested, once be my cell phone alarm, as I'd set, and then twice more by the house phone, which seems to happen whether I like it or not. After waking up at 5:30 because a fuse had randomly blown, and then officially at 9, I pulled my body from under my covers at 9:45. It's been quite a while since I literally had to force myself from my mattress, but I couldn't get the thought of someone out of my mind. I haven't felt like this in a while.
I met someone last night. But, I don't much about him other than his current occupation, name, and cell phone number, which I'm not sure he gives out regularly or not. Based on our conversation yesterday, he's not one for first impressions, or maybe he was just disinterested when first talking to me. However, after my perfected sarcastic personality shown through a few of my comments, and he actually played off my sarcasm, I found out he not only has the more gorgeous deep blue eyes I've ever see, but the deepest set of dimples on either side of his smile which make him all that more attractive. I'm not sure of his age, I'd say anywhere between 22 and 25; if any older, he's aged well, but if any younger, he hasn't aged well at all. The fact that he's nearly 6'5-6'6 helps in the attractive factor as well. According to unnamed eyewitnesses, based on our conversation yesterday, and the way he acted while around me, he wasn't uninterested in me either. But, that could just be wishful thinking, but either way, I was thinking about him. I'm not sure is it was the lighting, or the air of where we were, but his eyes were huge, which definitely isn't a negative as far as I'm concerned, and they actually lit up when he smiled. He didn't look at me much of the time we were talking, mainly avoided eye contact, but when our eyes did meet, his speech slowed, especially when we'd left, and we each shook hands; so either he was "transfixed" or thought I needed him to speak slowly and use big words. -Shrugs.-
Apparently, we'll be seeing again Saturday morning, possibly tonight if I end up going back out, but it's not for sure. My grandmother had a long session of doctor's appointments this morning and goes for her first radiation and chemo treatment on Wednesday. Tall, dark, and blue eye's grandfather actually began radiation for his cancer yesterday, his however, is much worst that that of my grandmother, I feel very bad for him and his grandfather.
Right now, I feel like doing a grand total of nothing. It's just one of those lazy days, I don't even want to lay up at the pool. Honestly, sliding back into bed sounds like a wonderful idea, then again, so does getting in the shower, but walking to it doesn't. Oh well.
My past has been walking in and out of my life the past few days and I’m realizing I’m not the same person I was when they were in my life daily. We’ve grown up, and I found that out very clearly today when I went to lunch with a friend I hadn’t seen in years, but have actually been friends with my entire life.
The way she talked about her life, her friends, and the way she’s spent the past few months, the past year, high school; I’d forgotten how much alike we are. How much she’s living a life so similar to the one I wish I could have for myself. I had so much fun just sitting there talking to her, laughing with her, talking about people we’ve known, people I’ve lost touch with, and we just laughed. I need more people in my life like and I wish she’d be part of mine. We’re hopefully getting together again soon, a group of us, to hang out and spend time together. I’m excited!
We’re so happy we’ll be at the same school again next year. She’s coming home after being away for a year at a different college, so hopefully we’ll also get to see each other around campus. I’m really hoping I can rebuild a friendship, build new friendships, and just keep being happy.
The past few months I've slipped into a habit I'd thought I'd gotten rid of. Things had passed, years went by, seasons changed, people grew up, people grew apart. I thought it was all said and done, but then it came back. Life a ton of bricks, it snuck up on me, and then there I was, standing in the middle of nowhere - completely deserted, but slapped in the face as if the past has come back to visit me, but this time felt like making itself my present.
The way things used to be, are not how they're supposed to be now. And, honestly, I thought it'd be different if I'd just admit that to myself. Even biting my tongue and accepting the changes was supposed to be some kind of psychologically help, but failed. I don't understand, I really don't. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but why does time only rip mine back open? I need a clean break, but part of me is terrified of giving myself one. Although now, would be the perfect time for it.
Nothing's holding me down anymore, and I have no more sentimental attachments. The bridge of communication is gone and I should be over it. A clean break - no more worry over unanswered questions if there are no more questionable conversations. No more debatable off-hand glances or stares in my direction when I'm no longer seen. No more mixed signal comments, no more actions that lead to nonstop analyzing...no more nitpicking over things that are no longer occurring. A clean break means it's over, it's finished, all ties undone, connections unconnected, we're lost. And yet here I am, as a loss, with a broken a heart, and second thoughts.
Time can't heal a wound if you're still wondering and sitting on what if's...things in the past should have always turned out to be different, but if it's passed, the moment's gone, and you can't get it back - there are reasons your past didn't reach your future. Looking at old photographs...your old photographs...I can't even see who it is I am looking at. Stare right at you, right into you, through you, and I realize, you're not longer in my life, I cannot say I know the person in this image.
My stomach sinks at the thought of knowing it's all gone, it's over, and it's done. My heart breaks at the thought that I know you'll come crawling back when you've had a night when you didn't get what you want. But, that's over, that's finished, that's over, that's done. Part of me really wants you gone. You erased me, from your past, your present, your future; possibly every memory. You'll never be the person I needed you to be, you'll never be the person I needed you to be for me, and you'll never be the person who deserved to be loved by me.
I need a clean break this time. No loose ends, no left over pieces of something that never actually existed - I need you gone. I need you erased like you erased me. I don't care about signs, signals, your version of foggy clarity, I need change, and I need you to leave, and I won't need you to be returning.
Books bother me. They can be misconstrued entirely, and I can't help but let my mind wander vigorously. Mixed messages are found when you, quite literally, read between the lines, the words I found tonight were just sickening. I'm left questioning everything. The way I think, the way I feel, the way I live my life daily. It's even got me questioning my beliefs religiously, and based on everything I've been going through lately, that's actually down right frightening. I don't like relating to things like I related to these words this evening. My brushes with attempted suicide, loss, and frustrating were almost reflexions versus versions of fiction. Today's been too rough, too random, too surreal to be simply coincidence. I don't believe in such things, and I can't start now after reading...not after reading about too similar experiences.
Everything about this day has been horrible. Falling asleep in tears to waking up in arguments - it's pointless that this day even happened. Talk of suicide and depressing got me thinking, not of acting on anything, but of my past actions. How stupid I was, how stupid I am, and possibly will remain to be if I don't shape up and start changing. I looked at photographs today, and couldn't even recognize the faces. Someone I've known for years, but for the first time I was seeing, we're different. I hate reading because I read too much into things. I think too much about little things that shouldn't mean anything, and I end up hurting. I fester, and I pick, and I create logical endings to stories that don't even begin.
A year has passed and I'm still me. The same insecure, fucked up, completely lost, immature, ahead of her time, doesn't know where she's going, selfish, lonely, pathetic me, and if I pray so much for things to change to fit my lifestyle, why haven't I just faced the fact that I'm living a lifestyle that's a step down from anywhere anyone would truly like to be? I never take my own advice, i never head my own action, I never do as I say I only continue to do what I've gotten into the habit to do. I'm sick.
My mind is wasted, my breath is wasted, my whole existence is nowhere near anything worthwhile. you can only be seen as what you allow others to see and perceive and what have I done to help myself lately?
As far as my test goes...I got a 70%, which I'm not happy about, at all. Not so much because I didn't ace thing, but because I'm still in a remedial math class for my freshman year of college that doesn't go toward my graduation credits. BUT, because I'm the type of person that believes -everything- happens for a reason, I'm going to continue to study over the summer [ugh] and see what reason it is I'm being forced two take two math classes to graduate college instead of one. How much you wanna bet it's because I also have to take a chemistry course for my darkroom class? Can't do measurements, can't measure chemicals, can't use chemicals to develop film, can't develop a photograph, can't pass the photography class.
On a sadder note however, the day directly after my math test, my grandmother was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with lung cancer. Two weeks later she is out of the hospital, but forced onto oxygen, thankfully forced into no longer smoking, but having to undergo chemotherapy and radiation treatments for the next six weeks. On the positive side, the tumor in her lung is not near her heart or esophagus, nor has it spread to other parts of her body, so the treatment will actually add years to her life.
On another positive note, my mother's side of the family has magically reformed to resemble a family. An uncle I hadn't seen in years actually took me aside while I cried in the emergency room to make sure I was okay. My own father wouldn't have the sense to do that, yet an uncle I hadn't seen since 8th grade took me aside without any question. It was a good feeling to know he cared, to know my family cared...to actually have a family.
So, now you know where I've been for the past two and half weeks. Tomorrow my grandmother goes to her first official cancer treatment appointment to find out when the treatments begin, what she can and cannot do, as well as where she can cannot go. She misses driving, going places, and being able to get out of the house. This has also given me another incentive to get my driver's license, which I will be getting by July 4th. That is the goal I've given myself...someone feel free to technologically kick my butt into keeping this deadline, it's the most important one of my life thus far.
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Recent Comments
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Flutter Box said:
no, i'm not. i wish i was, but i'm not. the world is already there & i sort of fit... read more
on #32 -
M i s s N i c o l e said:
Awe, thank you, I really appreciate it! And I'm sure you're much more creative than a paper bag! You -have-... read more
on #32 -
Flutter Box said:
lol well it's WAY more than i can do. granted i can probably learn, but i'm too lazy. & your... read more
on #32 -
M i s s N i c o l e said:
Oh, sweetie, no! You really should not envy a -thing- about me. Let alone my creativity, I really don't have... read more
on #32
ROFL you sound like me when i found the spider in my apartment... well, when peekaboo found it! *cringe* read more
on #34